


call me baby

by zeloflake



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2019-02-01 09:24:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12702003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeloflake/pseuds/zeloflake
Summary: While finding love in the middle of a bumpy life, Kyungsoo starts to wonder if the pursuit of perfection is really such a wise one."Kyungsoo had always been full of love to give. Since a child, he loved his family, his friends, his pet. The world was bright and vibrant; he felt grateful to be able to experience it. He became a writer to put in words the emotions he felt every day, a fun way to express himself. He never thought loving too much could be a problem, after all.It was."





	call me baby

**Author's Note:**

> this was heavily inspired by sam smith's "I'm not the only one", and I suggest you listen to it while reading! hope you like it, and comments are always appreciated! ^^

Kyungsoo woke up to the sound of rustling in the kitchen. His boyfriend was clumsy, he knew, and making breakfast was always a struggle, ending up with a mountain of dishes to wash. He didn't mind, though, since he loved to see the boy's face light up when Kyungsoo complimented his cooking.

"Do you want coffee or orange juice?" he heard the familiar voice ask.

"Coffee is fine."

He rolled in bed, wrapping the sheets around him like a burrito. Those mornings seemed so perfect, he could almost forget about the past. Almost. Some things are just burned in your mind, no matter how hard you try to let them go. Kyungsoo closed his eyes, letting himself remember one more time.

***

They met on a pajama store. He was looking for pajama tops, since he liked to wear only the shirt to sleep and his old ones were starting to get shabby. Kyungsoo was a writer, on his mid-twenties, and living alone he had to do grocery shopping, laundry, breakfast on lazy sunday mornings and pajama shopping by himself. He was used to it, and rarely left the house otherwise. A couple of years ago he had his debut novel published, a story about a young girl who struggled with depression trying to get on with her life. It was successful enough for him to be able to become a full-time writer, with a new novel on the way. It was a blurry concept for now, since Kyungsoo couldn't quite get the inspiration he craved; but he knew eventually he'd get around to it. He wouldn't settle for anything but perfection of the form of words.

He was about to open the door to the store when another hand did it for him. A bigger, darker one. He looked at the person, only to see a handsome boy with a sheepish smile holding the door open for him. He had dark brown hair, caramel skin and was taller than him. That wasn't such a surprise, since most people were taller than Kyungsoo. But still, that stranger was _nice_ to look at.

"Thanks." Kyungsoo could feel himself blushing. The lack of human contact would've left his social skills rusty, if they had existed in the first place. An employee quickly made his way to him.

"What can I help you with?" He had a feminine face and sparkly eyes. In other words, attractive as heck. Apparently the universe had chosen this day to make Kyungsoo as flustered as possible.

"I need pajama tops, please."

As he waited for the employee to get his shirts from the storage, he felt a tap on his shoulder. When he turned around, he saw the boy who opened the door standing with a hopeful expression. "Hello. My name is Jongin."

"Hi." Now Kyungsoo was confused. Handsome boy - Jongin - wanted to talk to him for no apparent reason, and that wasn't something that happened on a regular basis on his life. he was more familiar with the whole 'admiring from afar' business."I'm Kyungsoo. Nice to meet you."

"Kyungsoo." Jongin tested the new name. He looked pleased with the result. "Kyungsoo, do you believe in destiny?"

"What?" Handsome boy could have a few screws lose. It was up to Kyungsoo to decide if he found it endearing or extremely stupid. "I guess I do. Kind of a sudden question. But yeah, I do. I believe things happen for a reason, even if you don't understand it at the time."

"Great." The smile on Jongin's face grew. "Because you see, I came here shopping for pajama bottoms only. And I happen to be a great believer in fate."

Endearing, Kyungsoo decided. Definitely endearing.

***

Jongin didn't like to wear shirts to sleep. He was a dancer, aiming for the international scene. If allowed, he'd eat fried chicken for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And he believed, above all things, in the greater picture. _Fate_.

Kyungsoo learned all that and a lot more on their first date. They had walked around in a sunny park, squinting at the brightness of the sun and having a picnic right there, on the green grass. Kyungsoo brought the striped towel and fruits. Jongin brought fried chicken and a lime pie.

He liked the way the boy moved; as if, when reaching for an apple, he was tracing the arched back of another ballerina. He walked with grace, and when they raced to see who'd get to the big old tree first (Kyungsoo lost), it was almost like they were on a stage. Another scene in Jongin's life, with utmost control over his body and a gentleness you just couldn't seem to find anywhere else.

"There's a trail of ants here." Jongin pointed at a spot near the towel. They were under the oldest tree of the park, and down there the light created little shapes on the grass, being filtered by the big leaves. A kaleidoscope of shadows.

"They seem to be working hard." Kyungsoo noticed. There were several ants under a leaf, carrying it together to the anthill. Along them marched several dozen others, as if checking to make sure the road was safe.

"You know, I wonder if they have feelings. Ants are such small beings. I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time, and I'm like 43 million times their size. If I was so small, and had emotions as strong as the human me has, I'd probably explode." He talked on a small, thoughtful voice. The answer to all the problems of mankind could be contained in those ants, for all Kyungsoo knew. 

He wondered. Being animals, they had to have feelings, right? Even if not as strong, it counted.

"They may not feel as intensely as we do." Kyungsoo started. "Or even have feelings at all. But look at the way they work together." He pointed at the determined little beings. "That's at least one thing they are doing better than humans. Cooperation."

Jongin smiled at him.

"You know, people would usually call me crazy for talking about ant's feelings. But you took me seriously. You always take me seriously."

"It looked important to you. Like you were talking about more than ants."

"Most people wouldn't care."

And when Kyungsoo reached to kiss him, he didn't flinch. It was just a brush of their lips, bittersweet - courtesy of the lime pie - but it didn't even matter. He felt as if he really was destined to meet this boy all along; and if not, he was willing to go against fate to keep him.

***

The second, third and fourth dates only made Kyungsoo like Jongin more. On the fifth he noticed the mole under the boy's ear, reaching for it. Jongin kissed his hand before he had the chance to pull away.

***

Kyungsoo was sitting on his favorite spot of the couch, writing. Recently inspiration stoke, making him start over with a brand new story about a boy who aspired to be the best dancer worldwide. It had been four months since they first met, and his life had somehow adjusted to its new track. His boyfriend was leaning on the kitchen counter, wearing baggy pants, a wife beater and a cute smile on his face. Despite seeing the beast he became on stage and on the bed, Kyungsoo couldn't help but find the boy adorable. It was probably the way he followed him around the house, and outside when Kyungsoo had errands to run.

"So I'm the star of your new novel?" He asked, taking a bite of his apple. "I'm flattered, but the pressure is huge. Are you in it too? The adorable obsessive boyfriend?"

"I'm not." Kyungsoo looked up from the keyboard. "And the story isn't about you. I told you, remember? I don't decide when inspiration comes, and in what form it will be granted. I can only turn it into words, the best way I know how. And when I'm with you, I have a limitless supply of words wanting to be turned in stories."

"That's beautiful." He walked towards Kyungsoo, sitting on the edge of the couch and looking at the boy in the eye. "I don't feel like I deserve it, though. Your words. They are always... perfect."

"They're nothing if compared to reality, baby. To you. And you're going to be late for practice."

"Well, that's something that really can't happen." Jongin jumped from the couch, giving Kyungsoo a kiss before grabbing his bag and heading to the door. "After all, if I want to keep inspiring you, I must become at least as perfect as your characters. See you soon, hyung."

Kyungsoo had learned Jongin had a bit of a complex regarding his dancing. It was stunning to the average viewer, but he was always harsh on himself. He wouldn't accept anything less than perfection. The nights he had spent on the studio, calling late at night to tell Kyungsoo he wouldn't sleep at home, were many.

He didn't mind much, always making sure to make a good breakfast for the boy when he arrived. Striving for perfection was something he understood, as a writer. He'd never settle unless he found the right adjective; a comma could mean the world. And they fit together easily, not only their bodies (he could swear he was made to fit under the crook of Jongin's arm) but also their minds. Kyungsoo kept falling harder by the day.

***

"Hyung, it's not even that high. You shouldn't be looking like your eyes are about to pop out of your head."

They were standing on the line of the rollercoaster. It'll be fun, Jongin said. If only the ride didn't look like a metal murder machine, going at about 90 miles an hour, he maybe could've relaxed.

"That doesn't look like the most romantic of places for our anniversary. I'm probably going to throw up all my milkshake. And the limited space will leave me with no choice but to do it on your lap."

"You're cute even when you're cranky." Jongin didn't seem very affected with the possibility of imminent death. "And I don't care about your puke. Wouldn't be the first time."

"You promised you wouldn't bring that up again." He hissed. "I drank too much and I apologized for a month. I even let you top for a whole week."

"That was a great week." Jongin's smile was so bright he could probably blind the people waiting with them. The sucker. "And I chose here because it's fun! And at night we can go on the ferris wheel. Make out closer to the stars."

"You're so romantic I think I'll throw myself on the tracks. Anticipate my death about 10 minutes."

"You say that like you don't remember our first 'i love you'."

 

_Kyungsoo liked his apartment. He enjoyed his bedroom just fine, the living room had a nice couch to sink on, the kitchen was great for when he felt like experimenting. But the balcony was what had sold it to him. He lived on the 10th floor, and could see buildings and people and trees- life - as far as the view reached. He loved seeing the morning rush, people so small they looked like little ants. The late afternoons, when old ladies went out with their umbrellas to walk their dogs and runners stopped to pet them. And most of all, he loved the evenings. The lights under the balcony showed him that there was always somebody up; it didn't matter if he had stayed up until 4 am writing a chapter that was complete crap. He wasn't alone. And the lights above, these ones made him believe again._

_He always liked to look up at the sky, as a kid. He talked to the moon as if she was his best friend - the stars were the ones that came along, creating shapes and giving him stories. He learned about the princess Andromeda, who was chained to a rock to be eaten by the sea monster Cetus; the Crux, always helping the lost ones find their way home; Gemini, the twins united forever in the heavens by their father. He started to tell stories by learning the lives of the ones that had lived many, many years ago, and now rested shining in the sky._

_Now, as a grown man, looking at the stars gave him tranquility and peace. He told them all  his problems, and they listened, reassuring the boy he was going to get through whatever was the quest he was facing._

_"Hyung? What are you doing out there?"_

_It was Jongin's voice. They had been together for about 3 months, and he had stayed the night. At about 5 am, Kyungsoo had crawled out of bed, wanting to see his old friends. He was feeling anxious - he liked this boy too much, and he was scared of messing everything up. What ifs never solved any problem, but still he insisted on them._

_"Go back to sleep, Jongin. I'm just thinking."_

_Now the boy got up, stumbling towards him in some kind of sleepy haze. Kyungsoo scooted over to make some space, not sure of what to feel. His heart was a mess these past months._

_"So," Jongin sat next to him. He was absolutely adorable, with a cowlick and a expression that looked more asleep than awake. "are you going to tell me what is going on here?"_

_"Nothing's going on." he replied, though it was obvious the younger boy didn't believe him. "I'm just looking at the stars."_

_"At 5 am?"_

_"Yeah. I know it's not the most convenient of times, but I was up, and thinking, and they," he pointed at the sky. "help me think."_

_"Can't I help you instead?" Jongin asked. He wasn't going to let go, Kyungsoo realized. The boy was really stubborn, like a mule that just wouldn't move after it decided to stay. He had learned that the hard way, on a discussion a month ago about whether the fan should be turned on. It lasted an hour, ended on angry make up sex - and Jongin had won the argument._

_"Okay," he sighed. "You can. The thing is, I'm scared. Of us, of me. Of the future. I have never been so happy on a relationship my whole life and now I am terrified of ruining it. What if I screw everything up? You make me so happy, and spoil me so much, I don't know what I'd do if you left."_

_Jongin didn't say anything. He stayed there, looking at Kyungsoo, studying him. When he was finally done, and the shorter boy was about to have a heart attack, he spoke._

_"I love you."_

_Kyungsoo's eyes widened._

_"I know it's early, but it's what I feel. I don't want to hide it any longer, especially since it looks like you feel the same, even if you didn't say it. I love your eyes that are seriously huge right now, and the way you always make sure I've had enough to eat, and that you care so much, and even your paranoia. I want you to remember, when you stand here, looking at the sky, that I love you like this, and just that much more." He gestured at the wide sky, where the sun was now starting to rise._

_It was too much, he thought. How could there be so much love in his chest and it still not burst? He kissed Jongin, hard, guiding him back to bed. And when they were laying there, with the sun already up - after the sweatiness and the grasping of the sheets and the moaning- holding hands, he whispered on the taller boy's ear._

_"I love you too."_

 

Kyungsoo blushed. As if that was possible. He was pretty sure that was a moment he would remember until the end of time.

"So that's why we're here." he could feel the tips of his ears turning red. "You sappy fucker."

"The sappy fucker you love." Jongin ducked and gave Kyungsoo a little peck on the lips, before anyone noticed. They were in public, after all. He could leave the moans and screams for the bedroom, later that night.

"The line is moving, Jongin." Kyungsoo's tone was starting to get desperate. "We're going in. If I die I'm so going to kill you. I'll be dead but I'll come back to kill you. I'll make sure to haunt your fucking butt until you wish you had died too. You will never eat another toast again because that's where I'll live, in the toaster. I'll be reduced to a miserable kitchen spirit. Jongin I don't want to die Jongin get me out of here."

"Kyungsoo, look at me." Jongin squeezed the shorter boy's cheeks, holding his head on place. "I'm with you. We won't die. And if we do, I promise I'll let you hand me personally to the grim reaper, ok? So don't freak out. I'd never put you in danger, you know that."

That was enough to get Kyungsoo on the ride. He was calmer now, but that didn't stop him from holding Jongin's hand as soon as the safety bars went down. Jongin squeezed it reassuringly.

 

"Wow, you scream like a little girl. Who'd say? I can't believe I was scared, that was priceless. I'll call the park manager when we get home. I need it on tape." He laughed at the taller boy. "But I'll probably need to pass on the infirmary first, baby. You squeezed my hands so tightly I thought they were going to fall."

"Hyung, you don't have to be so cocky about it." A pouty Jongin followed him to the cotton candy cart. "It was a really steep fall."

***

Kyungsoo sat on a table, at a cafe near his apartment. He was supposed to meet his new editor here, but the guy was already 10 minutes late. He was assigned a new editor because his old one was retiring; after all, the man had been old enough to need a walker and actually like brussel sprouts (he ordered them every celebratory dinner, and there was even a poll going on in the company guessing how many he could eat - the current winner was Dave, who had guessed 23). He was a good man, though, and very diligent about his work.

He couldn't say the same about the new guy, he thought, looking at his watch again. 12 minutes late. He was about to pick up the menu and order when he saw a rushed figure opening the door. It was a boy about his age, with caramel longish hair, and limbs that looked entirely too long for any human being. He looked around, finding Kyungsoo and hurrying to his table. Even sitting down was a mess, as he dropped the chair on the floor before putting his bag down and succeeding at looking at Kyungsoo like it was the most normal thing in the world.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Park Chanyeol. I'll be your editor from now on." He introduced himself, extending a hand. Kyungsoo shook it politely.

"Hello, I'm Kyungsoo. I suppose you already know? It looked like you recognized me." He decided not to mention the delay. The guy was here, after all, and it looked like it took him a great amount of effort to even get there without injuring himself.

"Oh, I know! I read your novel. It was absolutely brilliant." He had a big, bright smile - Kyungsoo could probably count his teeth if he wanted to. Looking closely, he was almost like an elf. Big ears, a smile that had TROUBLE written all over it, and very pretty eyes. A very pretty face, actually.

"I'm glad you think so."

"So I heard from the staff you're already writing a new novel, right? What's it about?"

Kyungsoo still wasn't so sure of that himself. He hadn't had a chance to show his novel to his old editor, and he didn't want Jongin to read it ahead of time. But, when he sat down to write, the words just seemed to come alive, especially when the younger boy was around.

"It's about passion. Striving for perfection, the struggle of finding it."

"Seems pretty intense." Chanyeol picked up the menu. "Let's eat while we talk? I always think better with my stomach full."

He smiled. Maybe that new editor wasn't so bad after all.

"Of course. Your treat, since you arrived late."

"Wow, no one at the company warned me about you being such a dictator." He made a thinking face. "Wait, that's a lie. They did. I just probably didn't listen."

"Next time, if you arrive before me, I'll pay."

"Seems like we have a deal."

Kyungsoo could feel the smile on the boy's voice. He also smiled, opening the menu to decide what to order.

***

They were out on a mission. Unfortunately, Jongin wasn't as excited about it as Kyungsoo.

"I really don't get your obsession with toasted bread."

Kyungsoo looked up from the shelf he was examining. On it, a dozen different types of toasters were displayed, waiting to be bought. He just needed to decide which one was worthy of his breakfast.

"Baby, don't look at it so simply. Breakfast is sacred. And for a really good breakfast, you need the right toasted bread. Trust me on this one, baby."

"I trust you." He made a face. "I just don't think bread is such a big deal. We can eat cereal. Or eggs."

"It wouldn't be the same."

"But it would be just as good."

"Why are you so cranky today?" Kyungsoo asked, irritated. "I'm not asking much of you, just to accompany me. I haven't seen you in days."

"That is because the showcase is coming soon. I only have three more days, and I have to use every second to rehearse. And toaster shopping isn't going to make my presentation perfect, that much I know." Jongin was jumpy now, tapping his foot and looking down. He had the habit of not looking people in the eye when things went wrong.

"Is that what this is about, again? A perfect presentation?" Kyungsoo moved his arms in a gesture of defeat. "If you want to go rehearse, then go."

"Okay. I'll see you in the showcase."

And just like that, he left. Perfection can be a brutal thing to ask for, sometimes.

***

"YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?? Oh, sorry. Too loud? Yeah. Okay. I'll just sit back and like. Try to act normal. Sorry."

That wasn't the reaction Kyungsoo was expecting to get, 10 seconds earlier, when he told Chanyeol his boyfriend would love the hamburgers they were eating. He wasn't sure whether to feel offended or startled. At least there wasn't anyone around to pay attention to the scene, except for a very bored waitress and the chef, who was immersed on a crossword game.

"I... do. Is it really so weird?"

"No, God, of course not, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to offend you!" Chanyeol's ears were starting to turn red. So were his cheeks. " I just wasn't expecting it. You know, it's 3 am, on a local diner, you're with me. Doesn't he complain?"

"Normally, he would, but he's also doing work today. He's a professional dancer, and he's practicing. Something about a new routine." Kyungsoo remembered the hurried messages Jongin sent him. He said he'd explain more  later, when they met. Probably over lunch, possibly over dinner.

"Oh.... a dancer, huh? Must be fun." His expression was unreadable. Serious, and very un-Chanyeol-like.

"Sometimes. His schedule can be a bitch. But we manage." He continued to devour his sandwich. He'd make sure to bring one home for Jongin to taste. Bless diners open 24/7. "I'm really lucky, I think."

"So is he."

Kyungsoo looked up, but Chanyeol had already focused back on his own hamburger. He added ketchup and mustard, eating it like an animal. His table manners really weren't the best, Kyungsoo had noticed on their first meetings. He'd do fine if they had a knife and fork, but if they had to eat with their hands things would get ugly. At least three napkin packages would be needed.

"So, about chapter 13: I really think you should change the point of view. It would be much more enjoyable if this character -"

***

They never decided Jongin was moving in. And he never did really move in, despite staying on Kyungsoo's place 6 days a week. According to the tanned boy, he had a small little apartment on the edge of town, where some of his clothes and a few items of cheap furniture sat. But he didn't go there often, preferring to sleep on Kyungsoo's bed, eat breakfast with him, and then go to the studio.

"You know, you'll probably find a spider community the next time you go to your apartment. These days, you never go anywhere besides here, the studio and the convenience store."

Jongin looked at him. He was sitting on the couch, watching bad reality shows. His guiltiest pleasure. Kyungsoo sat, writing, on the desk. He liked cartoons and the news channel better.

"I don't like being there." He played with the hem of his shirt, as he talked. "I have you here. Why would I ever want to stay anywhere else?"

***

They were out again, this time discussing the ending of the novel. Kyungsoo was almost done with it, but his editor didn't seem to be as satisfied as him.

"It's not that I don't like the writing. It just isn't real." He kept gesturing widely, trying to make his point. "You are writing a fiction novel, yes, but people have to relate. And no one could relate to this kind of character."

"Why not? What is the problem with him?" Kyungsoo was starting to feel uneasy. They were discussing the character inspired in Jongin, who seemed to annoy Chanyeol. He didn't get it, really. He was beautiful, charismatic, clever. Where was the problem?

"He's freaking perfect. And that just doesn't exist. Humans are imperfect beings, you know? Flesh and bone," he tapped his arm, " awkwardness, feelings. You make him look like a robot, who sets a goal and doesn't care about anything else. People don't work like that."

"Sure they do. You set a goal and you work your best to get there. If you don't do it, don't complain about the character."

"That is not the point." Chanyeol looked at Kyungsoo, long and hard. "Of course I do that. Humans set goals, that much is normal. But this guy - this character - he's not affected by anything. The girl just confessed to him and he dismissed her because he had to think about his career? That's sasquatch. He never even gave her a chance, how could he know he wouldn't find happiness in her?"

"It's not that he wouldn't - he didn't need it. He wants to be a perfect dancer, that's what he's aiming for, and for him it's enough." Kyungsoo raised his voice. He just wasn't getting it. "He doesn't want the girl."

"HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE HAPPY?" The tall boy got up in rage. The discussion was heated, with both of them nearly screaming and talking as fast as possible. People were starting to stare, Kyungsoo noticed. "He didn't have to find perfection to be happy. Especially because such a thing does not exist. He had to give her a chance, and find happiness elsewhere."

"Calm down, we're disturbing other people. Sit."

Chanyeol sat down, with an annoyed look on his face. His discontentment was so obvious, like every other emotion he felt. It was like he felt them so vividly, he needed to express them with all his body. Just talking about it wouldn't be enough.

"It's because what you're telling me is absurd. It's like he doesn't want to be happy. And that's just... Not true. Nobody is like that." He now spoke on a soft voice. "Everyone wants to find happiness."

"...I get it." he did, he really did. He just wasn't very happy about it. "I've just always thought perfection was something to strive for. I didn't realize there were people who could be content with less than that."

"It's not 'to be content with less than that'. It's that striving for something impossible will never make you happy. If your goal is to be perfect, you'll never do it. It's not freaking human."

Kyungsoo thought about it. They were silent for very long. He could feel his food getting cold, and his soda getting hot. But it was worth the thoughts he was putting in place. Like everything was finally clicking, after being pushed the wrong way for such a long time.

"I guess it's not."

***

"It's snowing!"

Kyungsoo woke up with Jongin's shriek. Not the manliest thing he had ever done, he'd have to admit, but who wouldn't get excited about snow? His boy friend ran to the window, opening it and sticking his head outside.

"Do you think I can catch a snowflake before it melts?" He asked with his tongue sticking out.

"Maybe. You'll probably catch a cold if you stay there without a shirt, though." Kyungsoo was sleepy. He went to bed late, since he had stayed up writing, and all he wanted was to go back to sleep. They hadn't seen each other in a week, because of jongin's packed schedule, and the bed was warm and cozy.

"Don't be so cranky. It's snowing! It's like every problem in the world is fixed. Everything looks so white and peaceful from up here."

"If you let me sleep another hour, we can go to the park and play."

"Well, snuggling next to you doesn't sound so bad either." Jongin jumped back in bed, earning a yell from Kyungsoo and a welcome back kiss.

 

They were out in the park, the snow falling all around them. It looked like a scene from a movie, with an extremely attractive main actor, Kyungsoo thought. That is, if the main actor of that movie would run like a child on the snow. It was everywhere - their hair, their coats, on the ground. The world was really cold and still. Well, that was a given, since they were the only two souls alive stupid enough to leave the warmth of their homes when it's snowing. Seeing the smile on Jongin's face, Kyungsoo didn't really mind, though.

"Hey, what are you looking at? Come here, let's play!" Jongin was now attempting to build a snowman. The smile on his face could blind anyone passing by. Kyungsoo still wasn't used to it, even after a whole year of their relationship.

"You know," he chuckled. " that you look like a little kid, right?"

"Oh, yeah? Do I? Mr. I'm Too Grown Up To Play On Snow. I bet you don't know what you look like."

"Me?" that made Kyungsoo curious. "What do I look like? And don't just make up anything to get back at me."

"Like a cat. " he said it with a grin, still not looking up. Apparently snowman-building was a pretty serious business. "A black cat walking on the white snow."

"What?"  He didn't get it. At all.  What could he possibly have in common with a cat?

"Well, you know," he now looked up, talking with his 'I'm explaining something very relevant' voice. As if the bastard wasn't adorable enough already. "how you never wear anything but black. And you're very silent, and elegant. And everything's completely white now, so the contrast looks pretty. And when you walk, and stand, you really remind me a lot of a cat. A stray I wouldn't mind taking home."

Kyungsoo felt himself blush.  He really was something, Jongin. He could make just about anything sound like poetry, if he tried hard enough. And he was trying. Kyungsoo could tell.

"Let me help save that snowman from being banned from the snowland. You know, right now it looks so ugly they wouldn't let him in. He'd have to stay outside and melt to death."  
"Hey! You shouldn't say stuff like that. You'll break my heart."

"Never.  You're way too tough for that."

***

Kyungsoo was busy writing when he heard a melodic hum. Chanyeol had come to his house, since he had cooked a lasagna last night: it was too much for him to eat alone and Jongin wouldn't be home until the weekend. After they ate lunch, they discussed the storyline and each one started their own work, immersed on their laptops. That was, until that very moment.

It was a soft tune, and when he looked up he could see Chanyeol typing and singing. Kyungsoo himself was too easily distracted to be able to multitask like that, but Chanyeol, surprisingly, seemed to be good at it. He was singing something about a faraway land, full of gold and treasures. A nice song, that showed his deep voice well.

After listening for a while, he got back to his work. When Chanyeol stopped singing, though, he found himself wishing for more.

***

A loud screech pierced Kyungsoo's apartment - a very unhappy one, at that.

"What is it? What happened? Is it a cockroach?" Jongin came rushing to the living room, where Kyungsoo stood staring at a corner.

"The flowers."

"What?"

"The flowers, Jongin." he was speaking on a low voice. "The ones we bought three weeks ago."

"...Oh. I had forgotten about that."

"Yeah. Me too."

 

_They were on their way home on lazy sunday afternoon. Jongin had spent the whole lunch talking about how great it would be if they got a dog, but Kyungsoo was against it. Too much responsibility, he said. They were passing in front of a flower shop when he had an idea._

_"Hey, what about flowers?" Jongin was feeling brilliant, after all, it was the perfect solution._

_"What are you talking about?" Kyungsoo asked with a confused expression._

_"Flowers!" Jongin smiled wider, turning to face Kyungsoo. "We'll get some. If we can take care of them, it proves we have what it takes to adopt a dog!"_

_"It's not the same, Jongin." he had on a doubtful expression. "Flowers only need water and sunlight. A pet is a living being, with a lot more necessities."_

_"But it's a beginning, right? I mean, at least we know for sure we can take care of something simple. We'll discuss the dog again later."_

_Kyungsoo couldn't argue with that. It was a simple concept, and actually not so bad an idea._

_"Okay."_

 

He shook the memories away, concentrating on the brown lump in front of him.

"Well, apparently we're not responsible enough for a dog. If we're not even capable of watering some flowers, imagine the fate a living creature would have living in this house." He walked to the kitchen, searching for a garbage bag. His mood wasn't one of the best.

"It's because I'm never home, and you write for hours. We forgot, that's all. If we try again, I bet we can do better."

"No."

"What?" He thought he'd heard it wrong.

"No." Kyungsoo looked at the flowers like a bad omen. It wasn't about they not being able to take care of them; it was about what they meant. They were a symbol of their relationship, now dead because both of them were too focused on their own matters to bother watering them, even once. What did that say about them? "We've killed enough flowers, let's just drop the subject for now."

"If you think it's better... We can always buy cacti, you know. No need to water."

They could. But Kyungsoo wasn't sure if cacti were really what he wanted.

***

Kyungsoo had always been full of love to give. Since a child, he loved his family, his friends, his pet. The world was bright and vibrant; he felt grateful to be able to experience it. He became a writer to put in words the emotions he felt every day, a fun way to express himself. He never thought loving too much could be a problem, after all.

It was.

It was, he realized, as he watched his editor trying to lick the cream stuck in his nose from the hot chocolate. Had the sun always shone that way? How could someone possibly get whipped cream all over their nose when they were way past 10 years old? Why was it so annoyingly endearing?

Chanyeol noticed his stare, and shoot him a sheepish smile.

He was stuck.

***

"You're leaving me here to rot. I'll remember this the next time you ask me to make kimchi spaghetti."

"Hyung, stop being so dramatic. It's only two months."

Jongin was going on an international tour with his company; they were going to perform on China, Japan and Philippines. As much as Kyungsoo was proud of him, he couldn't help but feel a little abandoned. He felt too demanding, asking for his boyfriend to stay when leaving was obviously so important to his career - but it still made him sour. The kind of sour that leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

"I'll just miss you a lot. You know that, right?"

"Of course. I'll call you everyday." Jongin's flight was being called. It was time to leave. "I'll bring you those acrylic pans you said you wanted. The milk in the fridge will probably go bad soon if you don't drink it. Don't forget me, okay? I love you."

"I love you back." They kissed, and the tanned boy hurried to the entrance of the plane. Kyungsoo could already feel his limbs becoming boneless. He would survive, he thought. It was only two months.

***

The first month was fine. He was used to not seeing Jongin for long periods of time, and he kept working on his novel. It was already on its last stages - he met Chanyeol almost every day, trying to keep their interactions at the professional level only.

After that, it started to get worse. On the fifth week, he started to feel - almost physically - a hole in his body, and in his life. The calls were great, but Jongin was always very tired and they were never very long. The void in his life grew bigger each time he looked at the empty spot on the bed.

By the seventh week, he was sure he would go insane. He was reflecting on different ways to blame Jongin on his suicide note when the phone rang.

"Kyungsoo? I have the final draft of the book! If you approve, it's ready to start printing!"

"Really?" Despite his loneliness, he couldn't help but feel happy. It was his book, after all, and it had taken a whole lot of dedication and effort from him. Countless nights without sleeping, tears that arrived at the worst time possible, spending holidays tucked under the covers with a computer on his lap."That's amazing news. Can you bring it to my house?"

"Of course! I'll buy some beer on the way. It's a celebration! Your book is ready!"

Had it been any other day, Kyungsoo would've refused. He knew better than to accept an offer like that, given the circumstances. If Jongin was home, he could've at least had an excuse. But at that time, he actually wanted Chanyeol to come over. He knew it was a mistake, but he also knew that, if he saw the taller boy, the hole in his heart would shrink the littlest bit. And so he agreed to it.

"Sure. I'll be waiting."

 

Two 6 packs of beer later, they were sitting on the floor of the living room, talking. Kyungsoo got a lot more talkative when he was drunk, and Chanyeol seemed to enjoy it.

"So he left me here, alone, and I haven't seen him in three weeks", he stopped to sip his beer, "and he's doing god knows what in Tokyo or Beijing or wherever he is right now. I feel sick just imagining. I'm so lonely I can't stand it anymore."

Chanyeol looked at him, as if wondering what to say.

"You know", he started, "I have a very big flaw. I tend to speak too much when I'm drunk. Like, spill stuff I should've kept to myself. But you look like you're even better than me at doing that."

"Tell me about it." Kyungsoo wondered where he was going with it. That boy and his damned pointy ears.

"So now it's my turn. I really shouldn't have come here today, you know? I invited myself on a whim, and you're alone, with a boyfriend travelling god knows where, and I'm not so sure I can contain myself. If I do anything you don't want me to, you have to stop me, okay?"

"What?" Kyungsoo wanted to make sure he'd understood it right. And that he wanted to do what was so heavily implied in Chanyeol's eyes. He had already lost count of his beers, though, and consequences were not the first thing in his mind. The warmth the younger boy was exhaling drew his attention in a much better way.

"I'll be clear, so there are no misunderstandings." He turned his body, so he was facing Kyungsoo. They were now mere inches apart. "I like you. And I want to be with you. I know you have a boyfriend, but I really don't care. And if you don't want to, please stop me. Though I have a feeling you won't."

He leaned forward, painfully slow. Their eyes were locked together the whole time, sealing the deal right then and there. Were they really going to do this? Yes? Okay. You sure?  I want to. Do you? Yes. God, Yes.

With the touch of their lips, sparks came to life.

 

Kyungsoo woke up with a splitting headache and a dry mouth. He recalled the events of the past night, feeling his cheeks redden. At his peripheral vision, he could see a huge arm embracing him, connected to a shoulder connected to a neck connected to Park Chanyeol's face. Where a sour taste used to lie, in his mouth, he could now feel guilt - rising at  exponential speed.

He tried to get up, only to be stopped by the taller boy's arm.

"I know you're going to freak out. Let me just enjoy it a little bit longer."

"What!?" Kyungsoo shrieked. "I don't think you realize what we've done."

"You cheated on your boyfriend. With me."

Hearing it said out loud was even worse. Kyungsoo was sure he would combust at any moment, and then there would be nothing left of his body. That way, he at least wouldn't have to face the inevitable reality.

"Oh- Oh my God. Jongin. He'll call today. What do I do?"

"Say your book is ready, and that you'll celebrate when he gets back." Chanyeol was talking with a sleepy voice, his lips on Kyungsoo's hair. He didn't have a single care in the world at the moment, preferring to enjoy the feeling of having Kyungsoo in his arms for that last while. After all, he didn't know when - or if - they'd do it again.

"I wasn't really expecting an answer... it was kind of a rhetorical question.. Hey. Hey!" He wiggled, trying to break free. "Are you going to let go?"

"If it was up to me, I wouldn't ." Chanyeol answered, retrieving his arm. "You didn't look like you were disliking it that much, to be honest."

"That's not the point." Kyungsoo felt himself redden even more, if such a thing was possible. He started to get up and dress, trying to gather what was left of his dignity. "I'm not supposed to enjoy anything, I have a boyfriend."

"That's not what you said last night. You looked like you were enjoying it. A lot."

 Kyungsoo glared at Chanyeol, wanting to rip out the smirk from the younger boy's face. He was lost- how could he possibly undo the damage already done? If only time could rewind, he could slap his past self in the face before he agreed to such a stupid idea. Only the worst thing was - he had enjoyed the past night, a lot. He didn't know what was making him feel more ashamed; the betrayal or the fact that he actually liked doing it.

"Look- please get out. I need to wash those sheets." He said on a defeated voice.

Chanyeol got up, but after getting dressed to leave, he started to walk towards Kyungsoo.

"Hey. Don't look at me like I'm some kind of evil creature." He had a honest look in his face, serious enough to keep Kyungsoo from interrupting. "Did you forget what I said last night? That wasn't the alcohol. I like you, a lot. That didn't change, and I don't think it's going to anytime soon. So - just think about it, okay? I know you're compromised, and that you're happy the way you are now. But you didn't accept me for no reason. And I think I could make you happier. Please consider it earnestly."

Kyungsoo would. He knew, even if the rational part of him yelled that it was insane, begging him to forget that anything happened and just request a new editor at the firm, that he would.

"Okay. I promise I'll think about it. But I also have one request - please don't search for me. I'll contact you when I'm ready, with an answer."

"Fair enough."

Chanyeol ducked, smooching the smaller boy one last time before leaving.  Kyungsoo was left alone, with a bed of tainted sheets and a head full of confused thoughts.

***

When Jongin got home, Kyungsoo tried acting as normal as possible. His boyfriend, full of stories to tell, gifts to give and sleep to catch up on, was way too hyper to notice anything was up. And with the passing of the days, Kyungsoo realized he wasn't going to, unless he confessed it. Which he didn't plan to, ever.

The tour was extremely successful, and Jongin was getting more and more famous as a dancer. The international scene started to keep an eye on the boy with caramel skin and dreamy eyes, to the point where he even got featured in a few magazines. That, of course, only made his schedule busier - he seldom got to have a entire meal with Kyungsoo, since he had places to be and contracts to sign. He arrived (if he even got home at all) home late every day, and slept, at most, 4 hours.

Kyungsoo knew that was the price to pay for fame, and that it was what Jongin dreamed of. But he was feeling more and more left aside, to the point where he would call his boyfriend only to hear a hurried reply, saying he would call him back. Which he never did. The text messages he sent in between training sessions and media work were cute, but they didn't do much for Kyungsoo's heart.

After three weeks, he admitted defeat and called Chanyeol.

"Hello, this is Chanyeol." Hearing that deep voice after so long, Kyungsoo froze. He called on a spur, not having planned anything ahead. It was a stupid idea, but Kyungsoo was starting to learn he made a lot of those when it came to Chanyeol.

"..."

"Hellooooooooo? Is anyone there?"

"Hello."

"Kyungsoo!" His voice sounded surprised, "I really wasn't expecting your call. I assumed you'd ditched me and hadn't even bothered to tell me."

"You know, this could still be a call to ditch you. I wouldn't get my hopes up."

"Hey, stop teasing me! You wouldn't be so mean." But that's the thing. He would. If he was heartless enough to cheat on his boyfriend, why wouldn't he do that? He might just start kicking puppies on the street with that kind of attitude.

"I wouldn't be so sure..."

"You're still guilty about that? Look, I know you didn't do the most honorable thing in the entire universe, but it really wasn't that awful. You were feeling lonely, and I wanted to do it too. Stop blaming yourself so much." When Kyungsoo called, he really wasn't expecting a pep talk. Much less one that would actually make him feel a little better. "And I know this is probably a biased opinion, because well - I want you to be with me. But it's a opinion, you know. It counts."

Okay, so maybe he wasn't the worst person to ever live. He could place himself behind Hitler or something.

"You know, I'm used to your whole staring when you're speechless thing in person, but when you do it on the phone I have no idea if you're thinking or if you're ignoring me. I hope you're thinking."

"Oh- Yeah. Sorry. I was thinking."

"What about?" Chanyeol's voice was more playful now, trying to ease the older boy.

"I - I don't believe I'm going to say this. My dignity is going to be shredded in pieces after this."

"You know, I've always thought pride was so overrated. What does it matter that you want something to happen if you're too proud to actually do it? Mr. Darcy never would've gotten together with Lizzy if he hadn't thrown his pride aside and told her his feelings. Like a real man. God, that was such a good book."

"I miss you. I really really do." Kyungsoo was completely red now. He had filled every last cell of his body with courage to actually say it out loud, and although extremely embarrassed, he now felt light. As if he could just jump out of the window and fly. " You and your stupid girly books that you love. You really should see a therapist. And your awfully pretty singing voice. And how you make me see things I never had thought of before.  Even though we are so different, it feels right to be with you. That's as much as I can say without bursting into flames, so I hope it's good enough."

"Aaaaaah, if you could see me right now, Kyungsoo, I'm so happy." He could actually hear Chanyeol's smile through the phone. "I miss you so much. I want to see you. When can we meet?"

Kyungsoo stopped for a moment. He could still back off now, say it was just himself being delirious or sleep deprived. If he crossed that line, he'd be actively cheating on a boy he loved. But it was something that felt so right, he couldn't help it. He wanted to see Chanyeol. He wanted to feel the younger boy touching his skin once again. He wanted to talk to him about nothing and everything. It was something his body and mind craved.

"Is today good for you?"

***

After that, their meetings became frequent. They weren't always secret, as Kyungsoo sometimes told Jongin he had to decide the details of the printing and the cover. It was impressive how good of a liar he had become. Two months passed like that, with hushed whispers and fast meetings. Jongin had been chosen for yet another tour, this time a two-week trip. Chanyeol cleared space in one of his drawers for Kyungsoo's clothes. And Kyungsoo was still as indecisive as ever. He knew eventually he'd have to stop living such a double life, but he wanted to delay making a decision as much as possible.

 

Kyungsoo was lying on Chanyeol's bed, their bodies still glued together, with heartbeats both so frenzied it was impossible to know which one was his.

"I have something important to say." Chanyeol was the first to speak. He sat on the bed, making a gesture for Kyungsoo to sit too.

"What is it, baby?" That earned him a smile. He melted on the inside every time he saw one of those - they seemed to come straight from the taller boy's heart.

"I love it when you call me that. But that's not it. I think I might seriously be in love with you."

Kyungsoo's eyes widened. That was brand new information.

"What?? Maybe elaborate it  a little bit, please?" He obviously knew Chanyeol liked him, but to Kyungsoo the younger boy was just fooling around. He didn't think Chanyeol would get as attached as himself.

"Well, I think of you just about every hour of every day." Chanyeol started to count the reasons on his hand, raising his fingers as he talked. "When you call me, I get butterflies like a teenage girl; when I'm with you, my head is all cloudy and I'm just really happy; I think it's pretty obvious. I didn't know if you were going to take it very well, so I decided to let it sink for a while.. But if I delay it any longer it's going to be dangerous for me, you know."

"Dangerous?"

"Yeah. You could break my heart and leave me torn in pieces. I don't know if I could recover from that."

That was definitely a problem. Kyungsoo could no longer leave the situation without paining anyone - there would be hurt and tears, no matter what he did. He knew what he was getting himself into, but it seemed worse when reality was hitting you in the face. And he didn't actually want to let go of either of them - he had room in his heart for both, so why couldn't he keep them?

"Look- I really like you. But I also love Jongin. I can't promise you anything, but I'm going to make a decision soon. And then, if it is the case-" He looked in Chanyeol's eyes, trying to find the courage he needed to say it out loud. "I'll let you go."

Chanyeol grimaced, as if something had hurt his ears. Or his heart.

"That's not the answer I want. But I'll take it for now. Do you want water? I'm going to go get some."

"Yes, I do, thanks."

In the kitchen, with only the refrigerator and the pans as witnesses, so softly any human ear would have trouble hearing, Chanyeol gathered enough courage to say what he actually wanted to.

"Please stay with me. I don't know if I can be whole again if you're not by my side. It was you who changed all my seconds, so take responsibility for it."

He took a deep breath and opened the door.

***

A light turned on in the kitchen welcomed Kyungsoo home, surprising the writer. After all, these days he'd barely seen Jongin's face, only through hushed encounters from one meeting to another. He found the younger boy sitting on a chair, dozing off.

"Jongin-ah? I'm home." Kyungsoo woke the boy up, gently stroking his hair. He felt so much love for the boy, at that moment, it was unbearable.

"...Kyungsoo?" Jongin had only one eye open and a voice drowsy with sleep. "I was waiting for you... I wanted to see you no matter what, since it's rare for me to sleep over these days.. But I was so tired I guess I must've slept..."

"I'm here now, baby." All of a sudden, Jongin grimaced. He looked extremely uncomfortable for a moment, before making his face blank again. But Kyungsoo didn't miss it. "What? Did I do something wrong? What happened?"

Jongin looked a lot more awake now, but he buried his face in his arms again nonetheless. What he said then was a bit muffled, but perfectly clear.

"I think you know what you've done wrong, hyung."

Kyungsoo froze. There was no way Jongin knew, with all his coming and going everywhere. They'd barely even seen each other in the past weeks, it was impossible for him to have found out.

"I'd prefer if you explained it to me, Jongin."

"You really don't know? Not a clue?"

"If I knew, I'd say it, baby."

"There." Jongin lifted his head, looking at Kyungsoo straight in the eye. His expression was serious, giving a message the smaller boy couldn't quite grasp. "That's the problem. You just said it yourself."

"What? 'Baby'?" Jongin nodded, and Kyungsoo could feel a weight being lifted from his shoulders. It wasn't time, not yet. "But I've always called you that."

"Yeah, you have. And I used to love it. But now, when you call me that, hyung," The taller boy grimaced again, preparing himself to say aloud something he really didn't want to. If it was up to him, he'd just let it be. But he was too greedy, and he wanted all of Kyungsoo to himself. "I know I'm not the only one."

Kyungsoo's mind started racing, trying to connect the pieces. When did he find out? How long had he known? Why hadn't Jongin left him yet?

"You're staring again, hyung." He left out a low chuckle. "You're probably wondering a lot of things right now, so I'll explain how I found out.. and then you tell me your side of things."

"When we were having lunch together in the airport, right before I was about to go on tour last time, you went to the bathroom and left your phone on the table. And it buzzed so much, I thought it could be something urgent, family, you know. So I picked it up. And there were dozens of messages from your editor... Which is unusual, but could happen, right? You have a lot to say to each other, right? That's what I thought... but when I looked at the messages, I realized something else was going on. Something that would change our lives drastically. "

"I know I've been absent, Kyungsoo, but I just don't get why you did something like that. It couldn't possibly be love that was lacking, if you're real when you're with me, and I know you are. So I kept thinking about it the whole trip, and if I should tell you I know, because the last thing I want, in this entire world, is to lose you, hyung. And I thought, and I thought, and I ended up nowhere. So I wasn't going to say anything. But when I heard you call me what you've called him - I just couldn't stand it. I need you all for myself. Whole. I'm too selfish to share."

"I- I don't want you to share anything, Jongin-" At least, Kyungsoo's voice decided to work again. "I was going to choose- eventually- I'm just so confused, you have no idea-"

"WELL, IMAGINE HOW I MUST BE FEELING, THEN." Suddenly, all the bottled up rage in Jongin's body voiced itself, loud and clear." I LEAVE THE COUNTRY TO MAKE MY DREAMS COME TRUE FOR A FEW MONTHS AND WHEN I COME BACK YOU'RE SLEEPING IN ANOTHER BED. THAT'S NOT FAIR, KYUNGSOO. It's just- not fair."

He had lost all his energy, crouching on the floor. Small sobs were coming from the younger boy, Kyungsoo realized, and he could feel his own eyes starting to sting as well.

"Jongin- You have to understand- I still love you. To the moon and back. So much it hurts. But I was feeling lonely, and neglected, and I had this other source of attention, and Chanyeol was so nice-"

"-Please don't say his name."

"And, you see-" Kyungsoo was starting to get desperate, as he realized there was no explanation. At least not one that would make Jongin stop crying and tuck him safely in bed, with Kyungsoo in his arms. So he decided to just tell the truth. "-it's true. I do actually like him. And it doesn't make my love for you any smaller, in any way. I just have more heart, I guess, which should be a good thing, but obviously isn't. I- I don't have the right to hurt you both like this. Jongin, you deserve someone much better. Someone that would love only you."

"But I don't want that, hyung." His voice was soft, as they were both crying now. "I want you. Please don't leave me."

"Jongin... would things change?"

"What?"

"You know, it could've been a one time thing. But you were never here, and I was lonely. If I were to give him up, stay with you- would things change? Would you be willing to stop your nonsensical quest for perfection?"

Jongin looked at Kyungsoo with hurt in his eyes. That was a question they both knew the answer to- they just didn't want to think about what it implied.

"No. You know that, hyung. No matter how great my love for you is, I just can't give up my passion. It is what moves me, what gives my life meaning. It wouldn't make sense to be anything but the best. And to be the best, I have to be perfect. I thought you, of all people, would understand that."

"I could. I really could. But I've changed a lot of things in my head these past months. Striving for perfection is meaningless, Jongin. It is unobtainable. Can't you try less and stop sacrificing your life with the one you love?"

"I don't think I'm the one sacrificing things here, hyung. You're the one who decided to stop trying. "

"I never decided that. If it were up to me, do you think I'd have wanted to be the mess I am right now? You don't know how much I wished for this feeling to pass, to feel whole again by your side, to stop wanting to be in someone else's arms. But it just doesn't work like that. It doesn't."

Jongin looked up, piercing the shorter with his gaze. He was the image of a man in deep suffering; his face was all swollen and wet, and Kyungsoo finally managed to understand what his eyes were saying.

"You really do love him, don't you, Kyungsoo?"

He looked around. His view was blurry from the tears he was shedding, and yet everything in his apartment stayed so familiar. Jongin was in front of him, the boy he loved more than anything. He had all he could possibly want to live a life that was happy and whole - and yet, it felt like everything but. He couldn't ignore his own voice anymore, the one on the back of his head telling him the unavoidable. He just hoped it would be enough. His feelings, and his will.

"Yeah, I do."

***

"What'cha thinking about?"

A deep voice came from his side, right after the bed wobbled the slightest bit. Kyungsoo turned around, only to see a happy Chanyeol with a tray full of breakfast. He could swear his smile was brighter than the sun shining outside.

"Nothing important."

***

On a lonely street in Seoul, a boy with caramel skin enters a library to buy a copy of one of the best sellers- a story about a dancer who gave up on his dreams to be with the girl he loved.


End file.
